A couple of weeks ago marked seven months since I arrived in the Philippines.
Recently someone asked if it feels like it has been that long? The answer is yes and no.
On one hand it feels like I only just arrived, fresh off the plane. The time has flown by and yet on the other it seems like it has been ages since I’ve seen family and friends.
It’s an interesting dualism I’m learning to accept. I’m learning to be ok with the answer of “both and”.
I feel completely at-home here one moment and terribly out of place another.
I feel deeply connected to community here and yet can feel so lonely at others.
I’m typically the only American/Westerner in a room and the majority of the time it doesn’t phase me at all and yet at other times it can be so isolating.
It doesn’t make sense and often ends in a feeling something like emotional whiplash.
I’m coming to a point where the Philippines feels more like home than any other place. It will soon be the longest place I’ve lived in since college. In the two years leading up to moving here I lived in 11 countries and 3 different states. Now that I’m here I’m allowing myself to settle in in a way I hadn’t fully been able to before. There are pictures hanging and I’m slowly decorating my space. I’ve made sweet friendships and connections here, I feel known and loved by my community. I’ve mostly figured out public transportation. I surprise myself sometimes at the Taglog I understand even though it is still a struggle to speak and a lot of the words I know aren’t all that helpful in every day conversation (kulangot – booger, utut – fart, bastos – rude, palaboy – bum, masarap ang ipis – delicious cockroaches).
But the same day I feel the contentedness of all of this I can also deeply miss my home in America. I miss my family, friends, Bella Goose and Adventures community. I miss blueberries and peaches, and authentic Mexican tacos, and Chik-fil-a.
And yet when I think about visiting home one day I have this sense that even in visiting home I won’t be able to shake that sense of longing because instead of longing for family and friends in America I will long for friends that have become family in the Philippines.
So I am learning embracing all the bittersweet “both and” moments.
The past seven months have been stretching and growing. It’s forcing me to confront a fear of failure and a tendency to want to please everyone. It’s forcing me to trust myself and trust my decisions, to be willing to fail and learn.
It’s a daily surrender to Jesus, knowing that I am in no way capable of any of this on my own. I would not be the obvious person for this job to most and that is ok. I’m learning that I do not need to prove that I am qualified because truthfully on my own I’m not. My yes to Jesus qualified me and He gives me everything I need to continue saying yes each day.
It’s been a wild ride for sure, and I sense that it is only going to get wilder from here!
